This is always a difficult time of year for me. Constantly, all year, I struggle with feeling like a failure. I was thinking this morning about how positive and how forgiving I am about other people and their actions, but not about my actions. Naturally I know the reasons I don't accomplish things as I should; I know I was procrastinating and making poor choices in the use of my time, the selfish reasons behind my actions, my laziness.

It is obvious even to me that I am not a complete failure. Our children are as great as they come (though I am biased). We have a relatively clean and usually happy home in an area we love. I don't neglect everything. In the big scheme of life none of the things I am concerned about really matter anyway. Unfortunately, I am not spending much time thinking about those things that matter, eternal things. And I now feel strongly convicted. Maybe I don't feel like a failure for the previous reasons, maybe it is because I am being negligent and careless with opportunities to effect the eternity of my neighbors, friends and my family. Perhaps I'm wrong thinking that it is the busyness and unroutineness and pressure to make good decisions and performances of this time of year that bothers me. Instead it may be that my guilt increases with the opportunities missed, ignored.

Trying to think again.

Yesterday was my father's birthday. He is great, more than great, but words could not describe my feelings for him so I'm not going to try. This last summer he and my step-mother began a family website to prepare for a family reunion this next summer. What a wonderful experience it has been, conversing with relatives that I see and speak to rarely because we live so far apart. Even when I am in the area there are so many together that I often don't visit much with some. I am sure we will have much more fun at the reunion having first reunited on the website. Thanks Dad and Eunice!

I have been too busy complaining to myself about my inability to accomplish all the things I feel I should to think deeply about anything. Well, except this: the last several years I have noticed that I am not able to fast (sacrifice something for the Lord) for any length of time (depending on the thing sacrificed) for any reason. I had thought it was because I didn't feel passionately about anything for which I was praying. Perhaps I have been too comfortable and lazy and don't want any discomfort, I'm selfish. Perhaps I have been more tired and feel worn out at the prospect of more discomfort, it isn't important enough to me. When I have begun a fast, I quickly begin to feel like I'm trying to control God, I don't trust him enough to let him be sovereign and do as He feel is best. Maybe those feeling come because I don't really want to sacrifice anything. I haven't come up with a good answer, but I'm praying about it and asking others their opinions, others whose opinions I value. (If I haven't asked you it isn't because I don't value your opinion :-)) I also decided to start fasting once a week at least. I'm not sure why, but it seems important and many times it is the 'seeming' important or 'right' that God directs.

Check out the aura on this moon one early morning last week:

Thoughts From My Devotions

I've been reading about Moses during my morning tea in my chronological Bible. How God talked with him face to face as a man talks with a friend. The Bible says Moses was humble. I know in the past I've thought he was cowardly at the burning bush when he tells God he can't go to Pharaoh, even after such incredible miraculous signs. But, then I thought about how often we read about him questioning God, reasoning with God, almost arguing with God. He may have been wrong to stand up to God at the burning bush and not want to go, but it could not have been easy. The Almighty God is talking to you out of a burning bush, performing miraculous signs involving you and you argue about the orders being given. Certainly not cowardly. Later, God wants to do away with all the Isrealites when they blatantly create their own god and worship it and Moses reasons with God and persuades Him to spare them. And there is so much more. It is an amazing story. It must have been an amazing experience. I can hardly wait to hear more about it someday.

Yesterday I read about when God was giving Moses the law and said not to worship any other gods, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. And I thought at first, jealousy doesn't seem like a very good character trait. But, why? Then I realized that if we were good and faithful and trustworthy it wouldn't be a good trait, but we are not. So often we are the unfaithful wife, turning from God and allowing our worship to fall on the profane and undeserving. He is jealous because He loves us and desires us to love Him most of all. And why should he not? He sacrificed His only son, Jesus, for us. And not a clean and easy sacrifice, but torturous and painful and humiliating. Is it wrong for Him to demand that we believe it?

Confirmation

I was reading last week about Abraham's servant going to find Isaac a wife and God granting his request for proof that the girl he found was the right girl. 

In 1990 I moved from California to Oregon; my dad recommended a church and they had a good sized college/career group. I remember when I first met Greg. He had long hair, half way down his back, and a leather jacket. I had not been attending Beaverton Nazarene very long and I thought they must have a street ministry and they saved him off the street. Turns out he was born and raised in that church. Not my point. The first time Greg and I went out together I arrived home to find a message on my answering machine from my sister-in-law, Kathy. She said something about my mother and was anxious for me to call back. My mother had been sick for several years with a disease which we knew was likely to cause a stroke at some point. That is what happened. I knew right away that God was going to take her away from me, but that Greg was going to be the support I needed in her place. I went and visited her in the hospital. Soon they moved her to a rest home. It was a couple of months later that I became anxious and Greg told me I needed to do whatever it took to get down there and see her. I did. She mostly laid in bed without much seeming awareness of what was around her, but some. I remember a nurse, a lively nurse, came in talking loudly and happily and asked Mom who I was. She told her my name and I was so glad to know that she knew who I was. The day I arrived back home she died. I am so thankful for being able to be there for her last days. I knew that God used Greg to get me down there for that time; I knew God would use Greg to lead me the rest of my life. I have always been thankful for that confirmation of God's desire that Greg be my husband. We were married July 2, 1992 by my brother Rick in Greg's parents home, seventeen years this July. We have five children, Henry (14), Louis (13), Otto (11), Solomon (9 today!), and Olivia (5). We feel so blessed. I always wanted to be a wife and mother and God has granted that desire in abundance! I am thankful for his constant presence and sovereignty. He is good.

Something? Maybe not.

I find myself sitting here in the middle of the day trying to think of something to write. My last post was more... direct than I usually am. I believe what I wrote and don't want to delete it; it needs to be said. But I am usually more cautious about offending people. I thought it came across as potentially offensive depending on the reader. It would be an easier subject to talk about face to face where the tone of voice and body language always play an important role for the speaker and the listener.

Our life is beginning to settle down again. We had some crazy weeks with selling the trailer (see the Our Trail post). There were other things that kept us busy and the house a terrible mess. This week has been great for getting things cleaned up again, not that its done to my satisfaction. Next week we will work at it some more and work on the new schedule, too. I will keep plugging along at whatever God puts before me, and try to enjoy it.

Are you a wife in charge of her husband?

How many of you wives out there are trying to control your husbands? Do you think it will make them love you more? It will not. Could you open your mind to what may be a new idea?

Do you know how to make your husbands love you as the best wife he could ever imagine? Respect the fact that he is an adult and can make good decisions. The decisions he makes may not be the same as you would make; can you handle that? Is it your way or the highway? Is that what you really want? Do you really want him to think of you as his mother: coming to you for permission to do things, saying no to his choices because you have other plans for him, staying away from home because as soon as he gets there you demand (though you think you are asking) that he clean the garage (or some such work)? How about you try treating your husband as if he were a grown man?

Listen, he may make wrong choices. Have you ever made a wrong choice? Do you like it when people rub it in your face? When he makes a wrong choice do not feel the need to tell him; he will know. With his new freedom he may be gone from home more, unsure of how long it will last. Don't worry, do the things that are your job to do, do more than your share. When he comes home and you are happy and don't make a bunch of demands on him... surely you can imagine how he will feel. Serve him, love him, sacrifice for him.  It may be difficult (that's why it is called 'sacrifice'), but you will receive an inner joy that only God can give. Soon, he will want to be home. He will want to take you with him. He will love you as the best wife in the world.

This is an extremely abbreviated version of my thoughts on this matter, but it gives you the idea. It is painful to me, sad to see women in charge of their husbands. I always think: those poor men; and I feel angry at their wives for making both their lives so miserable.

Morning Tea

Nearly every morning I get up early and make tea in this teapot and drink it from this cup. Greg bought me both though at different times. The teapot has a... strainer (infuser?) that sits inside and I use bulk tea that I buy at New Seasons. An advantage to living in the city about which I have commented to Greg on more than one occasion, being able to buy expensive teas in small quantities that are affordable. I enjoy a lot of milk in my tea, so while I prepare the tea and it infuses I warm milk in my cup which is sitting in warm water. While drinking this favorite brew I read my Bible and then write in my journal. (A little irrelevant note: When I took typing in High School I was taught to space twice after ending punctuation in a sentence. It now causes me immense aggravation not only with the typing program the children use on the computer and I sometimes entertain myself with, but even in these entries as it will cause odd spacing at times. Apparently the correctness of such actions has changed, yet the habit is instinctive and I wonder if I will ever gain the ability to only space once after ending a sentence.) I have frequently kept a journal or diary in my years of life, but after hearing my dear friend Jennifer talk about a prayer journal years ago I decided to try one. It was amazing. Have I written about it before? Doesn't matter. I would write out my prayers and it was a life changing experience. I no longer daydreamed while praying, or if I did I was able to remember what I had been praying about. It was rare. More importantly, I thought more seriously about what I was praying and I listened. I listened for God's voice giving me ideas to respond to my difficulties. He did give me ideas, often written on the same pages where the questions and requests were made. My journal now is a combination. I include facts about what happens during the days or plans, recording the events of our lives, but always there are requests and questions to which God still responds. It is pleasure to no end sitting in the silent house as everyone sleeps, drinking hot tea, thinking, writing, communing with God. Any who know me well know that my favorite thing to do is to sit and think. I have often thought of it as a bad habit as it will keep me from doing needed work. I know now that it is a God given blessing and I pray that all of my children will have a love for sitting and thinking. (I know Henry does, that is why his math takes so long to get done :0)) How can we hear God's still soft voice if we are not listening? Pray with me for a desire to hear God's voice that is so strong we never stop taking the time to be still and listen.

Happiness

Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.  I heard that first in a sermon many years ago, but I have heard it many places since.  I think about it frequently, especially when there are things I want... which is the perfect time to think about it.  Then I start thinking to myself, "What do I really want?"  There are many material things, but I won't bother to mention them.  These things may make life more comfortable or interesting or easy. They may even improve my intelligence or knowledge.  They may be advantageous to our children's education.  They may increase my productivity.  But, the fact is, we don't have these material things now and my thinking about them or how to get them does certainly not increase my happiness.  We are obviously living just fine without them.  We are all healthy, and learning new things everyday.  I feel much more happy and peaceful when I think about the things we do have and apply myself in being grateful for them. I cannot deny that we have incredible children, healthy, smart, loving.  Our feelings for our home are our choice, there are good and bad things about any home, but ours has so many things we never thought we would have: hardwood floors, a basement with a bike room, a garage, beautiful large trees in a courtyard visible from every window more than half of which face south and fill our home with light. Best of all, we have knowledge of our Creator and His love encompasses our every experience. If we will only trust that He has our best interest in everything He brings into our life. It is difficult to believe that an Almighty Sovereign God who created the universe is interested in all the little, seemingly trivial things in our lives. There are so many lives out there, it is impossible to imagine God being able to know the number of hairs on every one of those heads. Yet, we must believe that He does. I must believe that God cares what we feed our children, what books we have them read, what clothes we choose to buy. I must believe that he sees when I can't sleep at night, when the children get a scratch, when I feel confused about which task is more important to accomplish. I know that He wants me to trust Him in all things. And I will. I will be happy with all the things he has given and the place in which I live and the people with whom I have contact. I will think of His ways when I think, speak and act.  At least, I will try, I will ask Him to help me to succeed. I will long to glorify Him in my life. I will long to touch others with His love. And if I can succeed in letting go of my wants then I know He will fill my heart, my life, with a joy and peace that is happiness.

I know that it is easy for me to say these things, we have a home, income, family. There are many who have none of these things. Many who are hungry, cold and lonely. Yet, God can bring them happiness just as He brings it to me. It is His way. It is His power. It is His truth.

Productivity and Child Care

I don't understand why some days are so productive and some are not.  Of course, there are obvious reasons at times, but frequently there are not obvious reasons.  There are days when I work hard and accomplish so much, and then there are days when I work hard and seemingly accomplish very little.  I know that I can't spend too much time trying to figure it out, I can only try to be productive and work joyfully.  I suppose my goal is not to just work hard, but to work joyfully.  

I have been reading a book to the children at breakfast.  I read everytime we are at the table eating.  Everyone is sitting together and have something to do with their hands and mouths.  It is something I have been doing for years.  Anyway, this book is called Created For Work and written by Bob Schultz.  It is written for young men, but I am getting a lot out of it myself.  There are short chapters followed by questions which apply.  It has been inspiring to me and is one of those books we will read in this way every year or two.  There is another that he wrote that comes after it and I will read it next and then How to Live Nobly and Well.   They changed the name of the last book to something like 'The Catholic Book of Character and Sucess.'  I like the first title better, but the book is the same, inspiring and life changing, attitude fixing and motivational.

I guess I haven't been doing much deep thinking lately.  Perhaps it is because we are not struggling right now; we are relatively healthy, financially still boosted by our tax refund, the excitement and pleasure in our new home is continuing. There are many things that I want both materially and spiritually, but God is blessing us with rest and peace and I am soaking it in.  

We are considering and beginning to seek out a change that may cause a struggle.  We have decided to again open our home to do child care for a family.  We are hoping for an infant (a girl would be nice, but not required) and only one.  I brought it up at breakfast yesterday (or the day before) to see how the children felt about it and they were surprisingly excited.  We would all love to have a baby in the home again.  Caring for a child in this way first began just after Louis was born and a couple in our church approached us with the request that I care for their expected baby when they both had to work.  I said no at first, but after thinking about it and talking about it with Greg we felt this was an opportunity to bless and minister.  The extra income has always been a help, but the blessing I have felt in sharing our home with a family needing our help has always been rewarding. Since then we have watched several children, always only one family until they don't need us or we must make a change.  We were not able to even think about it in the apartment and our days were so busy, but now we are in a nice home again and our schedules are slowing down.  The time seems right so we are waiting on God and letting those around us know of our desire.

I will work again toward a productive day.  Will you join me?

Time to Work

This is the opposite of my last post.  I have been slowly making progress on our schedule and the house.  The children are doing better and better at getting their required school work done each day.  I am getting better and better at doing my required work.  It is time to raise the bar.  

We received our refundable deposit from the apartment we moved out of and with some of it made a trip to Powell's Books.  Anytime we receive extra money it means a book buying spree.  I have been reading my first book by David McCullough, 'John Adams' and I can't begin to tell you how much I am enjoying it.  Aside from the fact that when I read the book I feel like I am being transported back in time and am an invisible witness in the goings on of that time, it is a treasure in our homeschooling education.  And I'm mistaken in saying 'aside from the fact' for it is because of that fact that it is such a treasure.  I can assure you that it will not be long before we own all of David McCullough's books, and in hardback.  In addition to McCullough's incredible books that I am desiring to read as soon as possible, there are many, many more on my 'to read' list.  This is a large reason for my needing to raise the bar on my daily accomplishments, I have got to find more time to read.  I have got to finish arranging the house so I can spend that time getting the necessary cleaning done which is not being done frequently enough.  Also, I have many sewing projects for things around the house and mending.  AND, I want to spend time consistantly doing this, updating my blogs.

Time to get to work.

Taking a Break

I am supposed to be cleaning, but I'm not.  And I know I'm not going to, not today.  It would be nice if it were to get done, but no one will die if it doesn't.  In fact, I and those around me will be much happier if I don't force myself to get up and clean today.  You see, the day has already been filled with a lot of activity.  We all (Henry, Louis, Otto, Solomon and I with Olivia on the Trail-a-Bike) rode our bikes to the swim center the first time from our new home for Olivia and Solomon's swim lessons.  It is a little more than 3 miles which isn't bad, but harder than the less than 1 mile we used to ride or walk.  We stayed for the Family Swim hour which follows their class and we all swam hard. Then we had the ride home which is all up hill, especially the end which we all walked at various points.  I will say, however, that I pulled Olivia up more than the last half of the hill with that Trail-a-Bike.  She refused to pedal; she was tired.  After eating lunch and getting cleaned up  I was going to pick up a little around the house until I decided not to.  In about 40 minutes I will be riding back down the hill, almost to the swim center, to the Pregnancy Resource Center where I lead a class the first three Tuesdays of the month.  Of course, after the class I will be riding back up the hill.  It is only the third class since we have moved and the first I got a ride home, the second I happened to have the vehicle and I drove, tonight I will ride both ways.  At least that is what I expect. So I don't feel badly about my decision to sit here and type rather than clean.  My fingers are not nearly as tired as my legs.  Now tomorrow I have to ride to get the milk.  It is in a different location and I don't think it is seven miles anymore, but likely 5 and, of course, it is uphill on the way home.  Then on Thursday we have swimming lessons again and I will swim laps (for more exercise) and then we will go to the library before coming home.  It may take a while to get used to this routine and be able to get my cleaning done in its midst, but I am confident it will happen.  The secret, I think, is to accept the fact that change takes getting used to.  My body will have to adjust to the aditional exercise and if I accept that and give myself this break when I need it I know I will be happier and more pleasant to be around.  I know my family will approve of that.  Naturally, they will need time to adjust to the exercise also, so the house may suffer temporarily, but I know it will be temporary and we can all be patient.  Can't we?