Obedience and Discipline

I absolutely cannot believe how fast time flies. It has been two and a half months since I last posted on this blog. I have thought about posting, but I'm afraid my attitude has not changed much until recently. Honestly, I think a lot of my issues revolve around not having a church home or attending anywhere regularly. I suppose I need to be preached to a little more. My faith and trust in God has not changed or diminished, but I think my fear of the Lord has, and that results in less obedience, and that results in the unhappiness I have been feeling. I don't know that we are any closer to attending church regularly, but I am happy that God has helped me to understand my struggle and I will trust that he will help me to recover. Unfortunate it is that my struggle is wholly within me and there are no strikingly obvious signs of disobedience. There is no one to hold me accountable. It requires my own self discipline and God's grace. Thankfully, He is sufficient to support my side as well as His, but He will not force my obedience (maybe he will). I guess the question is: Do I really want to change? I have been feeling some warning that if I don't change, God will help me with a little more than increasing my understanding. We discipline those we love. It is also unfortunate to me that I have a strong rebelliousness in me. My sense of God's pending discipline, the gentle pushing I feel to respond rightly, is bringing feelings of a desire to resist, to not be pushed. It is funny that my confidence of God's love for me causes me to think that I can continue as I am and not change. In fact, it is God's complete love for me that will cause him to discipline me in order to make me more happy. I have often told the children when they were young and rebellious and received punishment that if I didn't love them I would just let them be naughty, it would be easier for me. But, when we are naughty it makes us sad inside, our hearts do not want us to be naughty. Because I love them, I will teach them to do what is right; I do not want them to grow up being sad. I want them to do what they know is right and to be happy. God will do the same for me and I am so thankful for that. Help me Lord, to remember your power, strength and justice. Help me to desire to obey.

Every time I start to add to this blog I read my last post and stop. I am not doing better in any of the areas I mentioned. In fact, I think I'm doing worse. I have always struggled with my goals being higher than I can reach, which in itself is not bad, but when I fall short I am discouraged and feel like a failure. Now, I know that I am not a failure, but that knowledge does not change the feeling of disappointment in myself. The question is: how do I change? What do I change? Do I lower my goals? No. How do I convince myself that it is acceptable to just continue on as I am without improvement? Even a little back sliding? Is that acceptable? I wish I could find the source of my struggle and deal with it, but instead I analyze and search and feel confused and lost and then just keep going. One time I asked someone how they were doing and they said they were coping. Maybe that is what I'm doing.

So the routine is beginning again. We made it through the holidays despite another illness; some of the children are still getting the last of the scum out of their lungs. I feel hopeful that I will be able to pull my focus onto the things that need it. I feel God is already helping me to be faithful and diligent with my responsibilities. I probably accomplished more yesterday than in the last two weeks put together, though that may be the reason I am especially tired this morning.

This year I want to really work on becoming a better planner of our diet. I usually have a fairly good plan for a week at a time though after all the illness and vacation this has fallen apart and I'm constantly thinking "What are we going to eat for our next meal?!?" I do not like that question. I am determined to serve more vegetables and have good snack food available. Otto and Olivia both need to eat often and sometimes there isn't anything quick to grab. I have been spending more time in my Nourishing Traditions cookbook and it is so amazing! Granted I will probably never be into raw meat, organ meat, or seafood other than fish, but there is so much in that book that I want in our diet. My challenge is that a lot of it requires planning ahead. My first goal.

Although I do bike to the store quite a bit, I want to bike more. We have, over the holidays, acquired appropriate attire to help us ride more comfortably in the rain. It makes those few missing items a lot more obvious, like Greg's shoes. It will always be a work in progress, but as long as it is progressing we are happy. This, too, requires planning ahead.

Perhaps the most important goal I have is to spend more time focussing on my Saviour. I am not terribly deficient in the time I spend with the Lord, praying, reading, etc., but I feel a need to grow more. I do not have a plan in this area, but I have some thoughts. I suppose it may be that I want to be more evangelistic. I'm not sure. I will continue praying and thinking and listening.

Speaking of responsibilities, mine are calling.