Hopeless and Expectant

I would not have thought that those two words could go together to express my feelings at the same time. I might sometimes feel hopeless and at other times feel expectant, but both at the same time seems... impossible.

Yesterday I was writing in my prayer journal. And, as a side note, a prayer journal has been an amazing tool in my life. I write about whatever I want, often writing about my days or thoughts, but not just as a record, as a discussion with God. I spend a lot of time listening and thinking and God has often used that time to impress me with thoughts, challenges and comfort. Anyway, I was writing in my prayer journal and trying to find the words to express a change of feeling that has come over me in the last week or so. I have felt hopeless for a couple of weeks and it led to some severe challenges in my attitude, challenges that I did not conquer immediately. I was, for the first time I can remember, truly angry with God. He has not always answered my prayers in the past, but I knew He loved me and had my best interest in mind and I trusted Him. But, we need a home and we keep getting leads that fill us with hope and then disappointment as they fall through. I was tired of the disappointment and angry that the almighty God of the universe refused to do something so easy for Him and so important for us, provide a home. Before you condemn my selfishness let me tell you that I know there are many, many righteous people in the world without the smallest portion of the comforts we have in our current situation. I know that and I am and was then aware of my irrational feelings. Nonetheless, I was angry and I didn't want to pray about it anymore. God is going to do whatever He wants and He obviously doesn't care what I think or how I feel about it. At least that is how I felt and I let it go. I still actively looked for a place to live. Greg was sympathetic, but calm and reassuring as he has been this entire time.

Last week we made a decision to apply for an apartment that isn't going to be ready as soon as we wanted, but it looks like it will be early in September. Another opportunity may open up in the not too distant future that will be even better. These things have reassured me that it is possible we will have our own place again someday soon. Perhaps we can get our books out of storage. Maybe, Lord willing, we will even find the money to buy the school books I want to get for this next year. All of these things are on the Lord's shoulders and I'm great with that. And I know that it is not only these happenings that have changed my feelings, but God has changed my heart. I may be hopeless, but He makes me expectant.

Did we make a mistake?

It's beginning to feel like it. I knew that starting back at apartment living was going to be a real possibility and I was willing. I didn't know that no one wants to rent to a family with five children. I didn't know that Oregon regulations state 2 people per bedroom plus 1 (many places don't count the plus 1) and that means we have to find a 3 bedroom at least. There are a lot of things I didn't know. I didn't know there would ever come a time that I wondered if it was a mistake to encourage Greg to take our trip. There were so many times that he doubted the wisdom of the venture, but I was certain everything would work out fine. We are out of debt, we are together, we have some nice memories. We are homeless for over a year. Greg feels awful about putting us in this situation. We have been seeking desperately, daily for a place to rent and have found nothing. We are holding to some standards: Greg wants to be within bike commuting distance to his work (for him that's quite a ways), we want to have washer/dryer hookups or we will spend too much on laundry (convenience issue, selfish?), that's about it, of course our price range is the most inhibitive. But, I love that Greg loves his job and neither of us want him to be working all the time and never with the kids and me. Please pray for us. We need a home and Jim and Charissa need us to leave. They don't want us to feel that way, but its true. We need to leave soon.