Shameful Distrust

I honestly don't want to write anything, but I haven't updated the other blogs this week and I should be able to ramble a little. I have been feeling an incredible amount of stress this last week and it is not because of busyness. We looked at a townhouse just over a week ago and it was beautiful, exactly the kind of place we would love. It is too expensive. We knew it was too expensive, but Greg is expecting a bonus in December (the company he works for gives large bonuses in December). We are also expecting a raise per his boss telling him he is planning to give him a raise by January. Neither of those things is gauranteed until it happens, but if they do I was anxious to look at this townhouse and see if we would like to apply for it when we are able. The thing that changed my 'just look' approach was that they have several townhouses available right now and we were encouraged to offer what we could. That got us hopeful and we figured out the most we can afford, but it wasn't enough. Now I can't stop thinking about it, hoping we will receive the money we are expecting, hoping they will still have a unit available like we looked at. But will it have all the south facing windows? Do we have to wait until January? There is no way we will be able to put up our tree for the holidays in this apartment and the children are disappointed about that. But, it would surely be worth the wait. We haven't found anything else in our price range so we will have to continue looking anyway. I am disappointed that I tell myself I will accept whatever God decides and then I don't. I am ashamed of myself and the way I keep looking for a way to make it work instead of resting in the Lord and waiting for him to open a door; I am not trusting Him to lead us. It isn't like I don't have anything else to think about; I just don't want to controll my thoughts. I want to think about what I want. Today is a new day and I am going to try harder, pray more, work on self discipline in other areas. I will let you know how things progress.