Desire or Need

It is by no means a new struggle, but a new definition. How hard do I work? Do I work hard enough? It doesn't matter to me what other people think about it. I know that I work harder than some and not as much as others. I'm not going to give a list of what I accomplish or how much I rest. My question can only be answered by the Holy Spirit and I try to hear the response, but there are so many outside voices. My worth to God is not in question. His love for me is not dependent on any action on my part, I know this full well. It is the sacrifice of His son, that unthinkable, unimaginable sacrifice that makes me question the quality and quantity of my own. Do I sacrifice enough? Do I say, "I cannot do any more," when I can and I should, willingly and joyfully. 

I have always loved rest. To sit and think is my greatest desire. I might include knitting or reading now, but just thinking is always at the top of the list. To be alone with God in the quiet is... heaven on earth to me. Just thinking of the calm and stillness brings peace to my soul amidst the voices ever present during the day, the playing and singing, the bickering and complaining, ever constant in the waking hours of childcare and family. I don't dislike the sounds, but they do not bring energy. There is joy in our togetherness and I am ever grateful lately for the crowding in the kitchen and maneuvering around the children knowing that there are not many years to enjoy their presence as I do now. 

There are so many needs. There are so many opportunities to do more. What are the things that God has asked me to do? Some are obvious and I know them and try. Some are there, they are possible for me, I could help, I could do more, I could die to my desire for rest, or is it my need?

Obedience and Discipline

I absolutely cannot believe how fast time flies. It has been two and a half months since I last posted on this blog. I have thought about posting, but I'm afraid my attitude has not changed much until recently. Honestly, I think a lot of my issues revolve around not having a church home or attending anywhere regularly. I suppose I need to be preached to a little more. My faith and trust in God has not changed or diminished, but I think my fear of the Lord has, and that results in less obedience, and that results in the unhappiness I have been feeling. I don't know that we are any closer to attending church regularly, but I am happy that God has helped me to understand my struggle and I will trust that he will help me to recover. Unfortunate it is that my struggle is wholly within me and there are no strikingly obvious signs of disobedience. There is no one to hold me accountable. It requires my own self discipline and God's grace. Thankfully, He is sufficient to support my side as well as His, but He will not force my obedience (maybe he will). I guess the question is: Do I really want to change? I have been feeling some warning that if I don't change, God will help me with a little more than increasing my understanding. We discipline those we love. It is also unfortunate to me that I have a strong rebelliousness in me. My sense of God's pending discipline, the gentle pushing I feel to respond rightly, is bringing feelings of a desire to resist, to not be pushed. It is funny that my confidence of God's love for me causes me to think that I can continue as I am and not change. In fact, it is God's complete love for me that will cause him to discipline me in order to make me more happy. I have often told the children when they were young and rebellious and received punishment that if I didn't love them I would just let them be naughty, it would be easier for me. But, when we are naughty it makes us sad inside, our hearts do not want us to be naughty. Because I love them, I will teach them to do what is right; I do not want them to grow up being sad. I want them to do what they know is right and to be happy. God will do the same for me and I am so thankful for that. Help me Lord, to remember your power, strength and justice. Help me to desire to obey.

Every time I start to add to this blog I read my last post and stop. I am not doing better in any of the areas I mentioned. In fact, I think I'm doing worse. I have always struggled with my goals being higher than I can reach, which in itself is not bad, but when I fall short I am discouraged and feel like a failure. Now, I know that I am not a failure, but that knowledge does not change the feeling of disappointment in myself. The question is: how do I change? What do I change? Do I lower my goals? No. How do I convince myself that it is acceptable to just continue on as I am without improvement? Even a little back sliding? Is that acceptable? I wish I could find the source of my struggle and deal with it, but instead I analyze and search and feel confused and lost and then just keep going. One time I asked someone how they were doing and they said they were coping. Maybe that is what I'm doing.

So the routine is beginning again. We made it through the holidays despite another illness; some of the children are still getting the last of the scum out of their lungs. I feel hopeful that I will be able to pull my focus onto the things that need it. I feel God is already helping me to be faithful and diligent with my responsibilities. I probably accomplished more yesterday than in the last two weeks put together, though that may be the reason I am especially tired this morning.

This year I want to really work on becoming a better planner of our diet. I usually have a fairly good plan for a week at a time though after all the illness and vacation this has fallen apart and I'm constantly thinking "What are we going to eat for our next meal?!?" I do not like that question. I am determined to serve more vegetables and have good snack food available. Otto and Olivia both need to eat often and sometimes there isn't anything quick to grab. I have been spending more time in my Nourishing Traditions cookbook and it is so amazing! Granted I will probably never be into raw meat, organ meat, or seafood other than fish, but there is so much in that book that I want in our diet. My challenge is that a lot of it requires planning ahead. My first goal.

Although I do bike to the store quite a bit, I want to bike more. We have, over the holidays, acquired appropriate attire to help us ride more comfortably in the rain. It makes those few missing items a lot more obvious, like Greg's shoes. It will always be a work in progress, but as long as it is progressing we are happy. This, too, requires planning ahead.

Perhaps the most important goal I have is to spend more time focussing on my Saviour. I am not terribly deficient in the time I spend with the Lord, praying, reading, etc., but I feel a need to grow more. I do not have a plan in this area, but I have some thoughts. I suppose it may be that I want to be more evangelistic. I'm not sure. I will continue praying and thinking and listening.

Speaking of responsibilities, mine are calling.

This is always a difficult time of year for me. Constantly, all year, I struggle with feeling like a failure. I was thinking this morning about how positive and how forgiving I am about other people and their actions, but not about my actions. Naturally I know the reasons I don't accomplish things as I should; I know I was procrastinating and making poor choices in the use of my time, the selfish reasons behind my actions, my laziness.

It is obvious even to me that I am not a complete failure. Our children are as great as they come (though I am biased). We have a relatively clean and usually happy home in an area we love. I don't neglect everything. In the big scheme of life none of the things I am concerned about really matter anyway. Unfortunately, I am not spending much time thinking about those things that matter, eternal things. And I now feel strongly convicted. Maybe I don't feel like a failure for the previous reasons, maybe it is because I am being negligent and careless with opportunities to effect the eternity of my neighbors, friends and my family. Perhaps I'm wrong thinking that it is the busyness and unroutineness and pressure to make good decisions and performances of this time of year that bothers me. Instead it may be that my guilt increases with the opportunities missed, ignored.

Trying to think again.

Yesterday was my father's birthday. He is great, more than great, but words could not describe my feelings for him so I'm not going to try. This last summer he and my step-mother began a family website to prepare for a family reunion this next summer. What a wonderful experience it has been, conversing with relatives that I see and speak to rarely because we live so far apart. Even when I am in the area there are so many together that I often don't visit much with some. I am sure we will have much more fun at the reunion having first reunited on the website. Thanks Dad and Eunice!

I have been too busy complaining to myself about my inability to accomplish all the things I feel I should to think deeply about anything. Well, except this: the last several years I have noticed that I am not able to fast (sacrifice something for the Lord) for any length of time (depending on the thing sacrificed) for any reason. I had thought it was because I didn't feel passionately about anything for which I was praying. Perhaps I have been too comfortable and lazy and don't want any discomfort, I'm selfish. Perhaps I have been more tired and feel worn out at the prospect of more discomfort, it isn't important enough to me. When I have begun a fast, I quickly begin to feel like I'm trying to control God, I don't trust him enough to let him be sovereign and do as He feel is best. Maybe those feeling come because I don't really want to sacrifice anything. I haven't come up with a good answer, but I'm praying about it and asking others their opinions, others whose opinions I value. (If I haven't asked you it isn't because I don't value your opinion :-)) I also decided to start fasting once a week at least. I'm not sure why, but it seems important and many times it is the 'seeming' important or 'right' that God directs.

Check out the aura on this moon one early morning last week:

Thoughts From My Devotions

I've been reading about Moses during my morning tea in my chronological Bible. How God talked with him face to face as a man talks with a friend. The Bible says Moses was humble. I know in the past I've thought he was cowardly at the burning bush when he tells God he can't go to Pharaoh, even after such incredible miraculous signs. But, then I thought about how often we read about him questioning God, reasoning with God, almost arguing with God. He may have been wrong to stand up to God at the burning bush and not want to go, but it could not have been easy. The Almighty God is talking to you out of a burning bush, performing miraculous signs involving you and you argue about the orders being given. Certainly not cowardly. Later, God wants to do away with all the Isrealites when they blatantly create their own god and worship it and Moses reasons with God and persuades Him to spare them. And there is so much more. It is an amazing story. It must have been an amazing experience. I can hardly wait to hear more about it someday.

Yesterday I read about when God was giving Moses the law and said not to worship any other gods, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. And I thought at first, jealousy doesn't seem like a very good character trait. But, why? Then I realized that if we were good and faithful and trustworthy it wouldn't be a good trait, but we are not. So often we are the unfaithful wife, turning from God and allowing our worship to fall on the profane and undeserving. He is jealous because He loves us and desires us to love Him most of all. And why should he not? He sacrificed His only son, Jesus, for us. And not a clean and easy sacrifice, but torturous and painful and humiliating. Is it wrong for Him to demand that we believe it?