Obedience and Discipline

I absolutely cannot believe how fast time flies. It has been two and a half months since I last posted on this blog. I have thought about posting, but I'm afraid my attitude has not changed much until recently. Honestly, I think a lot of my issues revolve around not having a church home or attending anywhere regularly. I suppose I need to be preached to a little more. My faith and trust in God has not changed or diminished, but I think my fear of the Lord has, and that results in less obedience, and that results in the unhappiness I have been feeling. I don't know that we are any closer to attending church regularly, but I am happy that God has helped me to understand my struggle and I will trust that he will help me to recover. Unfortunate it is that my struggle is wholly within me and there are no strikingly obvious signs of disobedience. There is no one to hold me accountable. It requires my own self discipline and God's grace. Thankfully, He is sufficient to support my side as well as His, but He will not force my obedience (maybe he will). I guess the question is: Do I really want to change? I have been feeling some warning that if I don't change, God will help me with a little more than increasing my understanding. We discipline those we love. It is also unfortunate to me that I have a strong rebelliousness in me. My sense of God's pending discipline, the gentle pushing I feel to respond rightly, is bringing feelings of a desire to resist, to not be pushed. It is funny that my confidence of God's love for me causes me to think that I can continue as I am and not change. In fact, it is God's complete love for me that will cause him to discipline me in order to make me more happy. I have often told the children when they were young and rebellious and received punishment that if I didn't love them I would just let them be naughty, it would be easier for me. But, when we are naughty it makes us sad inside, our hearts do not want us to be naughty. Because I love them, I will teach them to do what is right; I do not want them to grow up being sad. I want them to do what they know is right and to be happy. God will do the same for me and I am so thankful for that. Help me Lord, to remember your power, strength and justice. Help me to desire to obey.