Boring Update

We are back to ordinary and it feels wonderful! The kids have begun doing a full day of school work again and, although we should probably work more diligently on our chores, the house is getting back in order slowly and surely. My focus now is to not be angry. I'm afraid I was becoming increasingly irritable and speaking harshly to everyone around me. I hope I am doing better. How easy it is to let those words out louder than necessary and with quite a bite. How rewarding it is to say the same thing in a gentle voice and with respect for those to whom we are speaking. This is my goal of late. I have also brought my diet back in line and exercising again. These probably help with the former goal.

Today is library day. My bike has been having numerous problems, flat tires and shifting difficulties. If the rain holds off we will walk rather than drive. It has been more than a month since we rode our bikes to the library and I miss it. There will be plenty of more pleasant trips when the weather changes. I think this is babbling rather than rambling and I will stop rather than voice my boring chatter.

Blessings still follow obedience

So, let me tell you how things turned out.

I called Dad after doing some shopping on Sunday morning. He, Eric, Keith and Evan had gone out for breakfast. I started to tell Eunice that we were not going to be there for Christmas and broke down crying before I could finish talking. I couldn't believe I was so upset. She was so kind and sympathized and told me how right Greg was to not want to be separated at Christmas and he should want us all to spend it with his family. Then she said that Rick and Kathy were coming up sooner than expected, would be in that afternoon, and would we like to come to dinner. It was so wonderful. Greg did not want to go knowing it would cause a lot of suffering of his health over the holidays, but was glad for the kids and I to go.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was to just hang out with my nephews. We did not have any deep discussions, but I was exposed to their personalities and interactions. I had a great time and I felt so much better afterwards. I missed them on Christmas and I was sorry to miss the dinner, but I do love Greg more. God blesses those who chose to obey.

On Christmas Eve Greg and I and the kids open all our big gifts to each other. You can read a little about that on the Our Trail blog; but what struck me was how much I enjoy our family. And I was reminded that we are creating the center of our family as I think of my dad being the center of my family with my siblings. I hope that as our kids grow they will desire to be with us as I desire to be with my family. Of course, I hope it will not cause the stress and anxiety that I experienced this Christmas. It is something of which to be sensitive and aware.

I have never been so glad to have Christmas over. Rick and Kathy did not leave right away: they came to the apartment with Dad the day after Christmas to spend a little more time together and to take the kids and I on a little shopping spree to Powell's Books! Wow, was that exciting! Thank you Rick and Kathy!!! And Dad, who desired to join in the giving!!!

Thankfully we have no plans or traditions (that I can think of) for New Years. I keep thinking that next Monday is the beginning of a new schedule, but I have another couple of days to prepare both physically and emotionally. There are so many ways in which I have let my discipline slide. Perhaps I will save that confession for another time.

Difficult Christmas

It has been a long time since I have had the time or opportunity to ramble on this page. At this moment I have both and certainly feel like rambling. This has been the most difficult Christmas season ever for me. I'm not sure I want to or should write about it.

There is really no way to make things right this year. After having Thanksgiving with my family we planned on Christmas with Greg's. Not long ago we found out that my family was having a rare Christmas with both my brothers and most of their families coming for a big dough party on Christmas day. This includes my nephews, one of whom has been in Iraq for the last 15 months, the other preparing to go. It is hard to explain what a dough party is to those not from the Straub clan, suffice to say it is a lot of really good food prepared all day with a lot of fun and laughter followed by lingering fellowship around the table we are too stuffed to walk away from. At least those are my memories of something I have actually never experienced as an adult. I would be lying if I didn't say that everything within me wants to be a part of my family that day. However, Greg could not take part. His asthma will not let him be in Dad and Eunice's house without extremely difficult consequences (they have cats which agrevate his condition). After the few hours he spent there on Thanksgiving he struggled breathing for a week, day and night.

So, the options are: I sacrifice being at the dough party and celebrate as planned with Greg's family or we separate and do not celebrate Christmas together. Greg would be miserable and I would be miserable knowing his misery. We talked about doing some at both houses, but the day becomes hectic and we don't like that either; rather than enjoying some of both, it takes away the enjoyment of either.

I decided last night to go with Greg to his Dad's. Everything in me rebels at the thought, at the pain of missing my family, but my first responsibility is to my husband. And I love him more. I will go with the kids to my dad's on Christmas Eve morning when Greg goes to work. When I call my dad to tell him this morning I will hope that we will get to see some of the family for a little while at least. They are not up here long and have lots of plans, I'm sure.

I am thankful that I enjoy my family. There are so many who would not want to be with any of their family on Christmas. How blessed we are to be wanted. How sad I am that these choices have to be made.

Hopeless and Expectant

I would not have thought that those two words could go together to express my feelings at the same time. I might sometimes feel hopeless and at other times feel expectant, but both at the same time seems... impossible.

Yesterday I was writing in my prayer journal. And, as a side note, a prayer journal has been an amazing tool in my life. I write about whatever I want, often writing about my days or thoughts, but not just as a record, as a discussion with God. I spend a lot of time listening and thinking and God has often used that time to impress me with thoughts, challenges and comfort. Anyway, I was writing in my prayer journal and trying to find the words to express a change of feeling that has come over me in the last week or so. I have felt hopeless for a couple of weeks and it led to some severe challenges in my attitude, challenges that I did not conquer immediately. I was, for the first time I can remember, truly angry with God. He has not always answered my prayers in the past, but I knew He loved me and had my best interest in mind and I trusted Him. But, we need a home and we keep getting leads that fill us with hope and then disappointment as they fall through. I was tired of the disappointment and angry that the almighty God of the universe refused to do something so easy for Him and so important for us, provide a home. Before you condemn my selfishness let me tell you that I know there are many, many righteous people in the world without the smallest portion of the comforts we have in our current situation. I know that and I am and was then aware of my irrational feelings. Nonetheless, I was angry and I didn't want to pray about it anymore. God is going to do whatever He wants and He obviously doesn't care what I think or how I feel about it. At least that is how I felt and I let it go. I still actively looked for a place to live. Greg was sympathetic, but calm and reassuring as he has been this entire time.

Last week we made a decision to apply for an apartment that isn't going to be ready as soon as we wanted, but it looks like it will be early in September. Another opportunity may open up in the not too distant future that will be even better. These things have reassured me that it is possible we will have our own place again someday soon. Perhaps we can get our books out of storage. Maybe, Lord willing, we will even find the money to buy the school books I want to get for this next year. All of these things are on the Lord's shoulders and I'm great with that. And I know that it is not only these happenings that have changed my feelings, but God has changed my heart. I may be hopeless, but He makes me expectant.

Did we make a mistake?

It's beginning to feel like it. I knew that starting back at apartment living was going to be a real possibility and I was willing. I didn't know that no one wants to rent to a family with five children. I didn't know that Oregon regulations state 2 people per bedroom plus 1 (many places don't count the plus 1) and that means we have to find a 3 bedroom at least. There are a lot of things I didn't know. I didn't know there would ever come a time that I wondered if it was a mistake to encourage Greg to take our trip. There were so many times that he doubted the wisdom of the venture, but I was certain everything would work out fine. We are out of debt, we are together, we have some nice memories. We are homeless for over a year. Greg feels awful about putting us in this situation. We have been seeking desperately, daily for a place to rent and have found nothing. We are holding to some standards: Greg wants to be within bike commuting distance to his work (for him that's quite a ways), we want to have washer/dryer hookups or we will spend too much on laundry (convenience issue, selfish?), that's about it, of course our price range is the most inhibitive. But, I love that Greg loves his job and neither of us want him to be working all the time and never with the kids and me. Please pray for us. We need a home and Jim and Charissa need us to leave. They don't want us to feel that way, but its true. We need to leave soon.

Confessions of Failure

I am often overwhelmed with feelings of failure. Most of my family, when hearing that, will generously argue against the truth of those feelings and remind me of my many successes. God has worked many good things through my life, blessings to me and my family. Nonetheless, the feelings are there. Feelings often have no foundation in reality, but are based on emotions, so wavering and wishy-washy. I have needed to confess for some time these feelings regarding our trip. I can't do it on the Our Trail blog because it is too much fact, this is a rambling issue.

I was so wrong about what it would be like on the trip, so wrong. I did so much research, read about so many families that travel; still I was so unprepared. It reminds me of something my dad said to me when we were talking about parenting books. He said that he was never into such books because none of the authors were him and none of them had his children. I would have done better if it had not been for the issue of food. I was completely naive regarding our access to grocery stores. They were not close to our campgrounds and it is not easy to pull a trailer through their parking lots and we had very little room to store food when we did get to one. I know there are solutions to this difficulty, but I was aparently not good at facing the problem in the midst of the crises and I don't care to review my mistakes in this area. We are not planning such a long trip in the near future and if we do again, that's when I will consider it some more. This issue, I think, was the greatest factor in my struggles on the trip.

My greatest feeling of failure, however, is in not taking advantage, not finding a way, for the children to learn more about the areas we visited. As it was difficult to go to stores, it was equally difficult to get to educational information, more so if the information (museums, zoos, etc.) cost money. Everytime we drove anywhere it felt like pouring money down the street with the gas prices. Still, I know I could have focussed more on the information that was available. I know there were things available for free and at the campgrounds that I didn't take advantage of.

I never made the kids keep a journal. It is so disappointing to consider it, I can hardly write it without a deep sense of shame and regret. It would have been so easy, free, taken so little time, but I was too overwhelmed with accepting my struggles and the time slipped away. They have many memories of the places we visited and the longer we wait to write them down the less we will remember, but I am so full of pain over the issue I cannot deal with it right now. I will try to assign it soon.

Jim and Charissa are generous with their space, but we need our own home again. We are determined to not get in over our heads financially and that is a challenge. Greg is working in Hillsboro and that is not an inexpensive town to live in. We have been looking for a rental because we can't afford to buy and don't like the thought of being under a mortgage again. Someday we may, if God brings the opportunity. There are some possibilities that we are looking at and we are hopeful. We have been without a home for over a year and we miss our books in storage. The trailer is a bedroom for us all, but it is not practical to make it more than that; not for us. We need a home, not too big, just bigger than the trailer, with running water and a bathroom.

I need to get to the house and help with breakfast. I am not unhappy here. In fact, Greg and I are more at peace than we have ever been. We know that God has a home for us and we will keep looking and waiting for Him to lead us there.

Determined to Focus

Funny, my title is only half true. I do feel a determination to focus on the day, school, meals, kids, cleaning, all those wife/mother jobs, but I also feel a determination to do so much more and that seems unrealistic. For example, I want to spend this time updating our blogs on a regular basis, I am learning to knit and I want to begin sewing, both with the mindset of finding something I can create that could earn a little money. I desperately want to buy new curriculum for this coming year, but we are still getting back on track and must focus on the few things we are still not doing regularly before we add more school work (not to mention the expense of curriculum). I have visions of myself riding regularly on trails with Greg, and in town in the mornings, of being able to have time to myself again. How could all of these things become reality? I know how: everything does not have to happen every day and all things are possible with God. Scheduling is still difficult. I should look at our progress as it has been astounding, but my expectations are always higher. There are so many uncertainties and with those come stress, but I want to be happy and there is no reason why I cannot be happy if I so choose. I want to read more.

OK, I will work on today. I will enjoy the life God has given me and the innumerable blessings it includes. I know that I write about a lot of negative things, and think about them, too, which likely accounts for my sober attitude. I wonder if I have always been like this? There are times when there is much joking and I think that generally I am more content than not... just thoughtful perhaps.