Hopeless and Expectant

I would not have thought that those two words could go together to express my feelings at the same time. I might sometimes feel hopeless and at other times feel expectant, but both at the same time seems... impossible.

Yesterday I was writing in my prayer journal. And, as a side note, a prayer journal has been an amazing tool in my life. I write about whatever I want, often writing about my days or thoughts, but not just as a record, as a discussion with God. I spend a lot of time listening and thinking and God has often used that time to impress me with thoughts, challenges and comfort. Anyway, I was writing in my prayer journal and trying to find the words to express a change of feeling that has come over me in the last week or so. I have felt hopeless for a couple of weeks and it led to some severe challenges in my attitude, challenges that I did not conquer immediately. I was, for the first time I can remember, truly angry with God. He has not always answered my prayers in the past, but I knew He loved me and had my best interest in mind and I trusted Him. But, we need a home and we keep getting leads that fill us with hope and then disappointment as they fall through. I was tired of the disappointment and angry that the almighty God of the universe refused to do something so easy for Him and so important for us, provide a home. Before you condemn my selfishness let me tell you that I know there are many, many righteous people in the world without the smallest portion of the comforts we have in our current situation. I know that and I am and was then aware of my irrational feelings. Nonetheless, I was angry and I didn't want to pray about it anymore. God is going to do whatever He wants and He obviously doesn't care what I think or how I feel about it. At least that is how I felt and I let it go. I still actively looked for a place to live. Greg was sympathetic, but calm and reassuring as he has been this entire time.

Last week we made a decision to apply for an apartment that isn't going to be ready as soon as we wanted, but it looks like it will be early in September. Another opportunity may open up in the not too distant future that will be even better. These things have reassured me that it is possible we will have our own place again someday soon. Perhaps we can get our books out of storage. Maybe, Lord willing, we will even find the money to buy the school books I want to get for this next year. All of these things are on the Lord's shoulders and I'm great with that. And I know that it is not only these happenings that have changed my feelings, but God has changed my heart. I may be hopeless, but He makes me expectant.

Confessions of Failure

I am often overwhelmed with feelings of failure. Most of my family, when hearing that, will generously argue against the truth of those feelings and remind me of my many successes. God has worked many good things through my life, blessings to me and my family. Nonetheless, the feelings are there. Feelings often have no foundation in reality, but are based on emotions, so wavering and wishy-washy. I have needed to confess for some time these feelings regarding our trip. I can't do it on the Our Trail blog because it is too much fact, this is a rambling issue.

I was so wrong about what it would be like on the trip, so wrong. I did so much research, read about so many families that travel; still I was so unprepared. It reminds me of something my dad said to me when we were talking about parenting books. He said that he was never into such books because none of the authors were him and none of them had his children. I would have done better if it had not been for the issue of food. I was completely naive regarding our access to grocery stores. They were not close to our campgrounds and it is not easy to pull a trailer through their parking lots and we had very little room to store food when we did get to one. I know there are solutions to this difficulty, but I was aparently not good at facing the problem in the midst of the crises and I don't care to review my mistakes in this area. We are not planning such a long trip in the near future and if we do again, that's when I will consider it some more. This issue, I think, was the greatest factor in my struggles on the trip.

My greatest feeling of failure, however, is in not taking advantage, not finding a way, for the children to learn more about the areas we visited. As it was difficult to go to stores, it was equally difficult to get to educational information, more so if the information (museums, zoos, etc.) cost money. Everytime we drove anywhere it felt like pouring money down the street with the gas prices. Still, I know I could have focussed more on the information that was available. I know there were things available for free and at the campgrounds that I didn't take advantage of.

I never made the kids keep a journal. It is so disappointing to consider it, I can hardly write it without a deep sense of shame and regret. It would have been so easy, free, taken so little time, but I was too overwhelmed with accepting my struggles and the time slipped away. They have many memories of the places we visited and the longer we wait to write them down the less we will remember, but I am so full of pain over the issue I cannot deal with it right now. I will try to assign it soon.

Jim and Charissa are generous with their space, but we need our own home again. We are determined to not get in over our heads financially and that is a challenge. Greg is working in Hillsboro and that is not an inexpensive town to live in. We have been looking for a rental because we can't afford to buy and don't like the thought of being under a mortgage again. Someday we may, if God brings the opportunity. There are some possibilities that we are looking at and we are hopeful. We have been without a home for over a year and we miss our books in storage. The trailer is a bedroom for us all, but it is not practical to make it more than that; not for us. We need a home, not too big, just bigger than the trailer, with running water and a bathroom.

I need to get to the house and help with breakfast. I am not unhappy here. In fact, Greg and I are more at peace than we have ever been. We know that God has a home for us and we will keep looking and waiting for Him to lead us there.

Determined to Focus

Funny, my title is only half true. I do feel a determination to focus on the day, school, meals, kids, cleaning, all those wife/mother jobs, but I also feel a determination to do so much more and that seems unrealistic. For example, I want to spend this time updating our blogs on a regular basis, I am learning to knit and I want to begin sewing, both with the mindset of finding something I can create that could earn a little money. I desperately want to buy new curriculum for this coming year, but we are still getting back on track and must focus on the few things we are still not doing regularly before we add more school work (not to mention the expense of curriculum). I have visions of myself riding regularly on trails with Greg, and in town in the mornings, of being able to have time to myself again. How could all of these things become reality? I know how: everything does not have to happen every day and all things are possible with God. Scheduling is still difficult. I should look at our progress as it has been astounding, but my expectations are always higher. There are so many uncertainties and with those come stress, but I want to be happy and there is no reason why I cannot be happy if I so choose. I want to read more.

OK, I will work on today. I will enjoy the life God has given me and the innumerable blessings it includes. I know that I write about a lot of negative things, and think about them, too, which likely accounts for my sober attitude. I wonder if I have always been like this? There are times when there is much joking and I think that generally I am more content than not... just thoughtful perhaps.

Schedules...

This isn't the blog about our trip so I'm not going to write about the last week, which was so busy getting ready to leave that I never sat at the computer.

I can remember when I was feeling frustrated at never getting done any of the things I wanted to do. I began scheduling and it wasn't 100% successful, but it was better. It's been years of working with schedules, they are always changing, and I always wondered when I would arrive at the one that would help me to accomplish everything I had planned. Eventually I realized I never would, that it is a striving that is healthy and good, but arriving isn't the goal, only continuing to strive. As in my striving to be more like Christ, I will never arrive, but I will improve and grow, if I continue to strive.

Now, we have made a huge change in the way we are living and schedules have no place here. What will help me to accomplish the things that need to be done? I have been thinking about it for some time and realize we will work when we get a chance. We were in the van all day yesterday and I had the kids do their math. We have worked diligently at teaching them to be obedient and they have learned well. It is so wonderful to tell your child to do his math and he gets his books and works on it. There is sometimes a look of disappointment, sometimes it takes them a while to get it done because they are looking out the window and dreaming more than working, but they sit with it until it is done and that is what I asked. It is easier to work when you know that is what you have to do at the same time everyday, but when you have to suddenly stop playing and work whenever the voice of authority calls, that is a challenge for any of us. We are excessively proud of our children.

Moving Day

We are moving into the trailer today. It has been a long time coming. I will pack up the kitchen and bathrooms, clean as much as possible, Charissa is coming to help me. The bikes and bike stuff will not go today and some other things... that go to the storage unit or Greg's dad's, etc. But tonight we will sleep in the trailer. It is hard to believe. I find my mind too full of what needs to be done to think about something to write... maybe tomorrow.

A Little Nervous

We are starting to feel a little nervous. We have always said that if we are only gone a month and break down and can't continue it will be worth it, but realizing it could happen that way... I don't want to worry. We have been moving toward this for a long time and would feel more regret at not trying. We are completely free from debt and loving it. Our savings is shrinking and will continue to do so at as slow a rate as we can manage, but we are beginning a life that is all expense and no income, its going to happen. When we want to stop and work, we will. Maybe we will not travel far and we will find a spot we want to stay in for a year or more, so be it. Maybe we will be gone for the summer and find we have been living in the best place and be anxious to get back. We do not know what the future holds, a reoccurring thought, and it's OK. I just want to be faithful with the job God has called me to do. I want to be pleasing to God and to Greg, I want to train our children well, I want to love others as Jesus does. I will not worry about the future, I will look to today.

Family Closeness

I find myself wishing I had a closer relationship with my relatives. I want to know what they think about things. I want to know that we are like-minded. The problem is, we probably are not and it is perhaps easier to not know.

I moved away from the area where most of my family lives when I was 20 years old (that sounds so young, 38 now). I know that I needed to leave the area to get away from outside influences, but it was so hard to leave my family. I miss the way things were with them. They are so loud and full of laughter. God gave me a wonderful family of my own and close friends in exchange, but oh how I long to be a part of my father's family, too. I realize, however, that I have grown apart from them. We will be seeing them in less than two weeks and I feel secure in their love for me, but will our conversation be superficial? Will there be times of deep and open communication? When I seriously think about that desire I know it doesn't matter. I will enjoy the time with them (communication does not equal understanding), and I will know them better when I leave for having spent time with them, and I hope they will know me better, too.

Communication vs. Understanding

Maybe my post was getting too long, but I hit a bad button and lost the post I had been working on. Now I don't have the time to try to remember everything I said, so you can comment to get more of my thoughts. Basically, I know that everyone wants to be understood. (Ironic, that now you may not understand me). I used to feel that communication, being able to express your feelings in words that do not offend, was the key to being understood. I do not think so now. Understanding others has more to do with empathizing and compassion, and desire to understand. Questioning is helpful, but is not always as effective as time and patiently waiting. As a result, understanding does not always happen quickly, deep feelings express themselves slowly. And, it is a gift from God to be able to understand. We see what He allows us to see, and some things He does not allow. He is a good Father.

Stress, Friends, Safety

I started feeling sick yesterday, just a sinus headache, but it slowed me down. I went to bed early and got up late. The stress is making me sick. I don't think I'm usually a stressed person, but when I am I have a hard time letting go of it. I've been waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning and I can't shut off my brain and go to sleep. Honestly, I get a lot of bright ideas during that time, but I still think I would prefer the sleep. I was awake maybe 2 or 3 hours, but I didn't get up early and did sleep another couple of hours. My head even feels a little better.

We heard from Stacy on Sunday and they are coming back to their house on the first. I'm glad for the time limit. I let it cause that awful stress, but I am glad to know that it will get done and done this week. We will leave this morning to shop for stuff we need, go to the trailer (which is at Charissa's) and work there today. It will be my last meeting with homeschool group tonight. It is at Charissa's so Greg will pick up the kids after work and I will stay and have a last time of fellowship with my closest friends. It is so hard to believe. It was eight months ago we had our last group with Jennifer. She's the mama in The Goodenough Family. (see link) We have been meeting once a month (aside from a few breaks) for over 12 years. Time is passing and life is moving on.

What our future hold, only God knows. We are safe in His hands.

Yesterday, Tomorrow

Yesterday was beautiful. Everything went well, the store, church, home. I have enjoyed home church more that I expected, and I expected to enjoy it. The other families that meet together are quality people. I will miss them while we are gone. Next week will be our last Sunday here and I hope to get a picture of everyone to post.

I had one disappointing experience yesterday while at the store. While in the checkout line, the clerk had a short conversation with another employee in passing. (I go early, 7AM, and there are not many customers.) They were talking about the price of land in the midwest. After the other employee had passed by, the clerk mentioned tornadoes. He lived in Arkansas for a year when he was young and his family lost two trailer homes to tornadoes during that time. He remembered the first time the wind blew the trailer onto its side with them inside. They were able to get out the front door, now facing the ground, and crawl under the house to go to the barn. When they came out from under the house the wind blew him up and into a barbed wire fence. His mother, whom he said thankfully weighed 300 pounds, grabbed his arm and pulled him to the barn while he blew like a rag in the wind. There was nothing left of the trailer after the storm. He said when he was little he thought God reached down and put his finger on all trailer homes. I was listening with interest to his story, along with another man, bagging groceries (at Winco), asked him some questions as he spoke, but said nothing about his reference to God. When I got out to the truck I remembered I was wearing a cross. I know I missed the opportunity to tell him that God loves him. I then felt strongly that he was desiring me to comment on his statement and I didn't hear it until it was too late.

How many opportunities will God give us to share His love with others on our trip? I hope there will be many. I hope and pray that He will open our eyes to those who are longing and needing to know Jesus loves them. Pray with us that He will fill us with discernment, boldness and courage to speak out at each opportunity.

And while I'm making requests, pray that we (Greg and I and our children) will always give glory to God. Everything that we do that is worth anything is a direct result of God working in us. When others compliment me on our children, or my advice, it is easy to feel proud of my wisdom. But it is not my wisdom. It is God's mercy. If He has seen fit to enable me to do anything good, it is all His enabling. The sins of my past were great, but God has washed them away. I am indeed a new creation, may God be glorified.

I don't want to

This has been one of those days where I just don't want to do anything. It seems impossible to make myself move. I did finally make a list of things I'd like to get done this week in preparation for moving into the trailer (I don't mind sitting and thinking), then I did one thing on the list. Still, this feeling of discouragement stays. I know that it is a passing thing related to the stress of all that is going on in our lives. Knowing that doesn't make it easy. I took a nap, hoping I would wake up feeling more inspired, but to no avail, I woke up feeling like I wanted to stay in bed the rest of the day. I try not to harrass myself too badly about things that are not urgent. The kids are being cared for and the house, though certainly not neat, is not unsafe. My plans are to clear out everything this week that will not go into the trailer and I'm hopeful it will get done. I've worked hard this past week and a day, or two, of rest is always a good thing. Right? Tomorrow begins with an early morning trip to the store, preparing food to take to home church, and then the reward of relaxing fellowship with dear friends and studying God's Word. I'm feeling better already.

Time, Cell Phones and Title Fulfilled

I find life so fascinating. I think about it often, but it is hard to talk or write about; its the emotions and feelings, the actions and reactions, the experiences, the constant passing of time. One morning when I stayed in bed longer than usual and Olivia was wanting me to get up, she was looking at the clock, asking me what time it was. It was seven, one, one, I showed her and told her 7:11. Suddenly it changed to 7:12 and she saw it and exclaimed to me that it changed and I told her that time just keeps moving forward, seconds to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days... time moving on, never stopping, going and going, never coming back, a need to hurry crept into my mind. It caused a sensation in me that felt close to panic. It didn't last for long. Any who know me, know I like to sit and think more than anything else. But, I found the experience fascinating, and I appreciate that about life. My days have been busy getting ready for this trip. There is so much to do. Yesterday I was trying to make a decision about cell phones. We have never had them and I called Verizon, Cingular and T-Mobile and asked them about their plans. T-Mobile was by far the most pleasant to talk with and had a plan that would be great for us, but their coverage is not as good as the other two (who were like talking to cars salesman on the phone). In reality, many of the places we will be will likely not have coverage from any of the companies, so we may as well go with the one we like... I suspect that will be the decision, but it isn't made yet. Today, the kids and I will be going out to the trailer to do a little more cleaning and figuring out more of the organization. It is raining, as usual here, so they will not be able to play outside much. I can't wait to get into some sunny weather. I will finish covering the last of the cushions this morning before we go. The trailer, inside, has been painted, all cushions recovered, all windows have new curtains. It feels like our home. Now I am ready to move in. There is just the extra stuff we have to be packed up or thrown/given away. There is a lot of other stuff to buy, do, etc., but I want to move in. We haven't lived in a place of our own for almost eight months and I'm looking forward to having a home again. It doesn't matter to me that it is a trailer or that we may not live in it for long, it will be ours alone, to do with as we please, or are able. If you are interested in our trip it will be recorded on the Our Trail blog (link above). That assumes someone might read this who doesn't know me... it could happen. I have fulfilled the title of my page today.

What am I doing?

It will be interesting to see if I can keep up with all these blogs I'm starting. This is the third I have started this week, but on none of the others did I feel comfortable rambling and sometimes that is what I want to do. Greg and I have been married for 14 years, we have five children, and I love being a wife and mother. My husband and children were chosen for me by God and I love them with all my heart and would never turn away from them. I am committed through thick and thin. I will be content and happy because I choose to be and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It sounds like it isn't always overwhelming joy and happiness...it's not. Sometimes it feels like I'm in solitary confinement, even in the crowd. Sometimes it is such bliss, I can't imagine Heaven being better. That's the way life is. There is an old hymn, Day By Day, here is the first verse: Day by day, and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in the Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear. He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day as He deems best. Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest. Maybe I'll post another verse some day, they are all as good. Or, look it up and read them yourself. I can tell already, I will be posting here often. I don't usually have time to write a lot, and it isn't important enough to keep me from my other work. We are getting ready for a big trip, you know.