Moving Day

We are moving into the trailer today. It has been a long time coming. I will pack up the kitchen and bathrooms, clean as much as possible, Charissa is coming to help me. The bikes and bike stuff will not go today and some other things... that go to the storage unit or Greg's dad's, etc. But tonight we will sleep in the trailer. It is hard to believe. I find my mind too full of what needs to be done to think about something to write... maybe tomorrow.

A Little Nervous

We are starting to feel a little nervous. We have always said that if we are only gone a month and break down and can't continue it will be worth it, but realizing it could happen that way... I don't want to worry. We have been moving toward this for a long time and would feel more regret at not trying. We are completely free from debt and loving it. Our savings is shrinking and will continue to do so at as slow a rate as we can manage, but we are beginning a life that is all expense and no income, its going to happen. When we want to stop and work, we will. Maybe we will not travel far and we will find a spot we want to stay in for a year or more, so be it. Maybe we will be gone for the summer and find we have been living in the best place and be anxious to get back. We do not know what the future holds, a reoccurring thought, and it's OK. I just want to be faithful with the job God has called me to do. I want to be pleasing to God and to Greg, I want to train our children well, I want to love others as Jesus does. I will not worry about the future, I will look to today.

Family Closeness

I find myself wishing I had a closer relationship with my relatives. I want to know what they think about things. I want to know that we are like-minded. The problem is, we probably are not and it is perhaps easier to not know.

I moved away from the area where most of my family lives when I was 20 years old (that sounds so young, 38 now). I know that I needed to leave the area to get away from outside influences, but it was so hard to leave my family. I miss the way things were with them. They are so loud and full of laughter. God gave me a wonderful family of my own and close friends in exchange, but oh how I long to be a part of my father's family, too. I realize, however, that I have grown apart from them. We will be seeing them in less than two weeks and I feel secure in their love for me, but will our conversation be superficial? Will there be times of deep and open communication? When I seriously think about that desire I know it doesn't matter. I will enjoy the time with them (communication does not equal understanding), and I will know them better when I leave for having spent time with them, and I hope they will know me better, too.

Communication vs. Understanding

Maybe my post was getting too long, but I hit a bad button and lost the post I had been working on. Now I don't have the time to try to remember everything I said, so you can comment to get more of my thoughts. Basically, I know that everyone wants to be understood. (Ironic, that now you may not understand me). I used to feel that communication, being able to express your feelings in words that do not offend, was the key to being understood. I do not think so now. Understanding others has more to do with empathizing and compassion, and desire to understand. Questioning is helpful, but is not always as effective as time and patiently waiting. As a result, understanding does not always happen quickly, deep feelings express themselves slowly. And, it is a gift from God to be able to understand. We see what He allows us to see, and some things He does not allow. He is a good Father.

Stress, Friends, Safety

I started feeling sick yesterday, just a sinus headache, but it slowed me down. I went to bed early and got up late. The stress is making me sick. I don't think I'm usually a stressed person, but when I am I have a hard time letting go of it. I've been waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning and I can't shut off my brain and go to sleep. Honestly, I get a lot of bright ideas during that time, but I still think I would prefer the sleep. I was awake maybe 2 or 3 hours, but I didn't get up early and did sleep another couple of hours. My head even feels a little better.

We heard from Stacy on Sunday and they are coming back to their house on the first. I'm glad for the time limit. I let it cause that awful stress, but I am glad to know that it will get done and done this week. We will leave this morning to shop for stuff we need, go to the trailer (which is at Charissa's) and work there today. It will be my last meeting with homeschool group tonight. It is at Charissa's so Greg will pick up the kids after work and I will stay and have a last time of fellowship with my closest friends. It is so hard to believe. It was eight months ago we had our last group with Jennifer. She's the mama in The Goodenough Family. (see link) We have been meeting once a month (aside from a few breaks) for over 12 years. Time is passing and life is moving on.

What our future hold, only God knows. We are safe in His hands.

Yesterday, Tomorrow

Yesterday was beautiful. Everything went well, the store, church, home. I have enjoyed home church more that I expected, and I expected to enjoy it. The other families that meet together are quality people. I will miss them while we are gone. Next week will be our last Sunday here and I hope to get a picture of everyone to post.

I had one disappointing experience yesterday while at the store. While in the checkout line, the clerk had a short conversation with another employee in passing. (I go early, 7AM, and there are not many customers.) They were talking about the price of land in the midwest. After the other employee had passed by, the clerk mentioned tornadoes. He lived in Arkansas for a year when he was young and his family lost two trailer homes to tornadoes during that time. He remembered the first time the wind blew the trailer onto its side with them inside. They were able to get out the front door, now facing the ground, and crawl under the house to go to the barn. When they came out from under the house the wind blew him up and into a barbed wire fence. His mother, whom he said thankfully weighed 300 pounds, grabbed his arm and pulled him to the barn while he blew like a rag in the wind. There was nothing left of the trailer after the storm. He said when he was little he thought God reached down and put his finger on all trailer homes. I was listening with interest to his story, along with another man, bagging groceries (at Winco), asked him some questions as he spoke, but said nothing about his reference to God. When I got out to the truck I remembered I was wearing a cross. I know I missed the opportunity to tell him that God loves him. I then felt strongly that he was desiring me to comment on his statement and I didn't hear it until it was too late.

How many opportunities will God give us to share His love with others on our trip? I hope there will be many. I hope and pray that He will open our eyes to those who are longing and needing to know Jesus loves them. Pray with us that He will fill us with discernment, boldness and courage to speak out at each opportunity.

And while I'm making requests, pray that we (Greg and I and our children) will always give glory to God. Everything that we do that is worth anything is a direct result of God working in us. When others compliment me on our children, or my advice, it is easy to feel proud of my wisdom. But it is not my wisdom. It is God's mercy. If He has seen fit to enable me to do anything good, it is all His enabling. The sins of my past were great, but God has washed them away. I am indeed a new creation, may God be glorified.

I don't want to

This has been one of those days where I just don't want to do anything. It seems impossible to make myself move. I did finally make a list of things I'd like to get done this week in preparation for moving into the trailer (I don't mind sitting and thinking), then I did one thing on the list. Still, this feeling of discouragement stays. I know that it is a passing thing related to the stress of all that is going on in our lives. Knowing that doesn't make it easy. I took a nap, hoping I would wake up feeling more inspired, but to no avail, I woke up feeling like I wanted to stay in bed the rest of the day. I try not to harrass myself too badly about things that are not urgent. The kids are being cared for and the house, though certainly not neat, is not unsafe. My plans are to clear out everything this week that will not go into the trailer and I'm hopeful it will get done. I've worked hard this past week and a day, or two, of rest is always a good thing. Right? Tomorrow begins with an early morning trip to the store, preparing food to take to home church, and then the reward of relaxing fellowship with dear friends and studying God's Word. I'm feeling better already.